Wrestling

This morning I sang the blessings to the Fun. song "Carry On," a fitting, title on a day when I had to will myself into the day and the work required of me. I had a night of wrestling with the bones I cannot seem to stop picking, the grudges I nurse, the frustrations that gnaw at me, and most of all the tension that keeps me from relaxing enough to sleep. I am tired from the struggle, from feeling stuck, from wanting things to change when they don't. And yet, I have some peace with the idea that this struggle is part of what it means to live and change and grow.

Gabe too last night was stuck with his demons, or maybe with a reflection of my struggles. He is beginning to wake up to the tensions of adulthood, to the disappointments of what must be done versus what it is fun or most satisfying to do, to the challenge of finding joy in whatever is in front of you. As always, I want to protect him from these hard realities, I want to protect him from my ups and downs, and I want his life to be all smooth sailing. But I can't.

So, instead, I sing my blessings, and once again, I will strive to make my mostly personal and internal practices more visible, more apparent because I am sustained by them, even through the valleys of a night of wrestling. May we be like Jacob, and find God in the wrestling.

Baruch atah adonai eloheynu chey ha'olamim she'asani Yisrael. Blessed are You, the Ancient One, our God, Life of all the Worlds, who made me of the people Israel.

Blessed are You, the ineffable, Our God, who made me one who wrestles with God.